Since day one,          we clicked. It was   you and me            against everyone.

 You and me who got along better than anybody, you and me, always.

I always remind myself true love is out there. I just have to wait for the right time for my time to come. One year after another and yet, I still haven't found anyone. I'm turning 20 soon and sometimes I think it is really a joke. All my friends around me have been in a relationship or even in a relationship now. Often I think I'm the weird one cause I have never have a girlfriend. I always compared myself with my friends and I will end up crying cause no matter in which aspect, they are always better than me. I'm slightly overweight and I think that is why no girlss like me. If they really know me well, they will realized I'm actually a very caring, loving and down to earth person.

All I ever want is just a chance to be loved and is that very much to ask for? I hate being the odd one every time I'm out with my friends. Being an Asian, relatives do question me a lot when I'm single and the stress and pressure they are giving is killing me softly. All I want to say is, overweight guyss deserves the equal chance as the skinny guyls to be loved and loved others as well too.

I think the reason I can’t handle this is because I have so many regrets. If I could go back and do things over, I would change everything. From the start, I would tell you how much you meant to me. Fuck ‘clingyness’. I would be honest. I’d tell you about how much I liked your hair and your funny, awkward little laugh and your silver-capped teeth and your wrinkly hands and the way you’d look at me so seriously, through your lashes, and make my stomach flip flop.

What else would I redo? I’d tell you why I was sad. Why I was hurting. Why I was scared. I’d tell you about my dad. I’d tell you about how sometimes I just wanted to be alone and listen to music. I’d tell you about how terrified I was of conformity, of drinking, of being weak and vulnerable.

Then, when I was done telling you all that, I’d kiss you and you’d kiss me back. And I’d ask you to take care of me. “Take care of me, okay?” I’d say, and you’d say yes and kiss me again and I’d feel safe.

If I could do it over, I’d realized how much you appreciated me. How you truly cared about me, not just FOR me, but ABOUT me. You cared what I had to say. You cared if I was sad or a little lost. You cared about all my weird little quirks that other guys might pretend not to notice.

I think I scared you a lot. By nature, I’m unpredictable. I change everyday. You wanted to be secure, you wanted me to tell you all those things that I never did, because deep down you knew it wasn’t the same for me. Sometimes I’d be all over you, kissing your face, telling you stories, laughing at your jokes. But in a heartbeat I’d be different. I’d be introverted, reserved. I’d look at you for long moments like I was lost. Like I didn’t know how I got there. The truth is, I didn’t know.

You were a hundred percent certain I was exactly what you wanted. I wasn’t like anyone else you’d ever known. I was beautiful in a way that only chaos can be beautiful. I wished every day that I could be as certain as you were.

All those things I regret? All those things I wish I’d said? At the time, I wanted to tell you. I wanted to say everything.

But I was scared, so scared. I was scared that you might think I was clingy if I told you that you made me happy. I was scared that you might think I wanted attention if I talked about my dad. I was scared to look vulnerable and immature and naïve if I told you my morals.

I wish that I hadn’t been so afraid. I wish I’d trusted you.

I didn’t know then just how much you cared about me. You never would have hurt me; you aren’t capable of that. I know that now. I know that you treated me so tenderly that I didn’t deserve you.

I’m so sorry for everything.

I’m glad we had each other. I’m glad you learned to love someone. I’m glad we were happy, even if only for a few weeks. I’m glad that you trusted me and respected me.

I can’t settle for anything less now. And that’s scary, and sad, but it’s okay because one day I know that someone else will come along who will care just as much as you did. Maybe he won’t come around for years, but he’ll be here. And with him, I’ll be certain. I’ll be as sure as you were with me. He’ll change my life like I changed yours, he’ll make me see everything differently and I won’t be afraid to make mistakes with him. And then he’ll break my heart like I broke yours, and you can laugh at me if you want, I deserve it.

Thank you. I’d say that I’m sorry, but I’m not sorry. I won’t apologize for a single second we spent together. All those regrets I have, all those mistakes I made, they won’t happen the next time around.

You taught me not to be scared.

You started off as a fantasy because I never thought I could have you, and now that I have you I don't feel like you belong to me. you tell me you want to be with me but you say you don't have any feelings because he broke you to pieces. You ask me if I love you and you tell me you are willing to learn to love again with me. If you were to open up my heart and listen to it, this is what it would say....

I thought I had been in love before, but you make me question all that I once felt before simply because you have made me feel a love that is deeper and more intense. I think about you all day everyday, I don't know, is that how falling in love is like? I love this feeling that is in me but it takes me from laughter to tears in minutes because you don't feel the same way. I feel I could love you forever but is forever what you want? am I too blind to realize that you and I are a lost cause. How can we be when I have wanted you for so long without you ever knowing? Could fate be so cruel that it would cross our paths just to shatter my heart to pieces or could it be that I am your knight in shining armor? 

I might be ok but I'm not happy at all because here we are again and all I really want to do is tell you how much I'm in love with you but I cannot because you won't say it back. I never knew it took this little time to fall in love with you, but having to wait for you to catch up is like living with little pieces of broken glass cutting through my heart every time we are together. I truly believe you are the one, my epic love but I guess not every fairy tale has a happy ending or do they? Only you can change that for me...

I don't have anything to share per sense, but have just gotten out of a dual year-long relationship. She was my first love, and things ended not because of us, but because we want different things of the future (she wants to settle down in a few years; I want to travel the world), so being sensible we decided to end things now rather then drag them out when our relationship clearly had an expiration date.

It is difficult knowing that we do love each other and work well together, but love is just not enough in this case. It's only been a week since the break up, and I am finding some days a real struggle. I know that I am heartbroken. 

However, she seems fine. She thinks she has pretty much moved on, is upset to some extent, but not enough to let it become a distraction in her life. I always thought she loved me more than I did in our relationship and she wanted to marry me and start a family together. I was also her first love,i guess. And yet she says she is not heartbroken...

I guess this has puzzled me a little and I am curious to see what others have to say about this:

If you truly love someone and they leave, is it possible not to be heartbroken?

Does lost love equate to heart-brokenness or can you love someone yet not be heartbroken about their absence?

Do you know the definition of "darling" and why I call you that?

(noun)

1. A dearly beloved person

2. One that is greatly liked or preferred; a favorite

You've got to realize that people will hold you in this light as you walk through life, dealing with it isn't easy, I don't deal with it at all well. But just know you deserve it. You're amazing D my darling, please keep this letter to remind you of that, and to remind you that we were once sweethearts so that when were both grown up, successful and happy we'll find each other again and be such simple, honest and beautiful strangers in such a chaotic and overbearing world.

And with regards to myself, you've instilled a lasting confidence in me somehow… I'm not sure what you did, perhaps nothing, maybe I'm too blind to see. Maybe it was just my confidence in that you'd be able to do that for me. All I know is that there was a great deal of pain, which you were there to cause and to remedy. You took me into a very vulnerable state of mind perhaps, a state of mind I had to pick myself up and move on from in order to get on with my life, get on with myself.

During this time I talked about things I've never spoken about with anyone else and you were such a good person for me in that way, so I will always cherish that and I hope to find someone who I can share such relaxation, joy and pallet with again at some point. Although I am quick to care, I am not so quick to trust, so know you are very special in seeing that side of me, as I know I am special in the same way to you.

I'm not gonna fight for you. I'm gonna miss you like hell. Miss our sleepovers. Our late night discussions as we snuggled. You pulling me close to you. I'll miss the nights as we laid there hugging, stealing kisses in the darkness. So innocent and pure. I love you. More then you know. And yet I hate you for doing this to me. Putting me in a position of loving someone I'm not supposed to love. I'm not supposed to want. You are no good for me.

 

I keep telling myself that. I repeat it in my head hoping I convince my heart. I don’t want to loose you. It hurts you as much as it hurts me. I could hear it in your voice that night. You meant what you said. I don’t want you to ever stop loving me. It seems only yesterday we were dorks hooking up in my room. You introduced me to a whole new world. You grabbed my heart. I didn't know it then. I'm going to miss your embrace. Your cologne. 

Running my fingers through your hair. I love you. I hate your dad shoes and your pessimistic attitude. And your annoying intelligence. But I love you. The fact that you need to be right all the time. That you constantly talk about woman as things to posses, yet I love you. I love that dorky smile that smirks across your face every time I say something stupid. I'm gonna miss it. I'm gonna miss you. And yet I will continue to see you everyday. But it wont be the same. I lost you, the you I love. I miss you. I love you. Come back to me. I'm waiting.

After all this time, I still don't know how to stop remembering our memories and looking for you everywhere I go. I can't stop relating us to every song I hear. I don't know if I miss you, or if I miss having someone. But I don't know if I'll ever feel as comfortable with someone as I was with you.
I miss having you to care about me and to share small things. You were the one I could tell everything, because you were the only one who completely won my trust. And I miss your hug - but I guess you already know that.

I'm sorry I never believed you when you said that there wouldn't be someone who cares about a guy more than you.
I guess it's too naive to think that we could get back together. I ruined it and I don't know how to fix it. I feel really bad about what I did to you. Maybe I was too young to actually be with someone so dedicated to me. I feel sorry about the reason I gave up one us. And it really breaks my heart that we're not together, and that is my entire fault.

I'm afraid I'm gonna tell you all those things and then one day wake up and feel completely different. I'm not sure about anything. I can't assure you a future. That's how I am, and that's how I screwed it all.
I'm also really afraid you are not the same. I'm afraid that I made you change, and you completely erased me. I'm afraid, besides almost sure, you hate me right now - and I hate myself for that. I feel the worst person in the world when I remember everything I did, and the pain you felt because of me. Then I think that you're totally right in hating and avoiding me, and I should move on. But I'm afraid I can't get over you.

If I'm right and you hate me, please do me a favor one last time: hit me hard with your words, in the way only the person who knew me the most can do, so I can't ever look at you again and feel passionate.

But if you're able to forgive, just call me - maybe you still remember my number, just like I never forgot yours - and I promise I will try my best, so things can feel right again. I promise to tell you everything and hear you carefully. I just have to warn you that some things don't change. I can be really moody and I am still insecure.

I actually think I love you, but I never thought I could fall in love.

I don't know why I think I love you, no theories. I only have things that, together, might be called proof.

I care twice as much as your opinion than everyone else's. If I get just one text from you (even if I almost never do) it completely makes my day. You remember that one time when I was just so tired and sad and you just holding me for half a minute changed everything? That's how it is.

I don't ever feel like actually flirting with people, because I never find anyone I like anymore. It's not that you set the bar too high, it's more that you created a specifically shaped hole in my heart and the only person fitting into that hole is you.

It's not that I find you perfect, I see all your imperfections. It's just that I don't see anyone else who could mean half as much to me.

I know we said we'd keep it a secret to all our friends, and at first we said we'd just fool around whenever we felt like it. But with all our ups and downs, our break ups and our make ups, I don't think that's what we have.

I keep telling myself that if I were actually in love with you, I'd be jealous over you being with other people. I never get jealous. Did I tell you why? To get jealous, I must first convince myself I'm worthy of even having you.

I'm wondering if I should tell you, because being unhappily in love with someone you're in a sort of relationship with sucks. But I won't, because I think you want it just as casual as this, and telling you would put too much pressure on you.

That's why you make me hate myself. I can never be good enough for you.

Carefully I would've placed my fingertips on your ribs and on the scar I happened to give you. I have almost forgotten what it looks like. You would’ve awake and make a sigh of delight, just like you did every morning when I scratched your back or your arms, or pulled my finger through your hair. You loved it. You would’ve opened your eyes and stare right through me with your gaze.

Those bright, green and almost unlikely beautiful eyes are one thing I’ll never forget. And you would’ve smile when you saw me – you always fired away an almost boyish smile which made my heart skip thirteen beats. Then you would’ve pulled me close to you, been giving me a kiss and say “good morning, beautiful” before you would’ve lay down on my chest and rip your arms around me. 

And you shouldn’t have let me go.

That night on the beach of the lake in our small town was the best night of my life.

You drove us down there in your giant truck--the one I keep telling you sounds like a speed boat--the Pacificos you packed so carefully in the cooler gently clanking with every turn up the winding road, the windows down, the sun in our eyes and the wind whipping my hair around my face.

We took our beach chairs down to the edge of the water and, realizing we had forgotten a bottle opener, attempted to use a sharp rock we found and we laughed so hard we cried at how ridiculous we must've looked. It was so easy to sit there with you. So simple. So comfortable. We talked for hours--nearly six, to be exact--and no one had ever made me feel so at ease with myself until right then.

We talked about everything--our childhoods, our passions, our life goals, and we made each other laugh until we couldn't breathe anymore. We talked about everything except her. In fact, even later, when we were sitting again in that giant truck, trying to warm up long after the sun had gone down and we confessed our feelings for each other, his name never left your lips.

I cried. I'm sorry. But you told me you felt strongly about me. You told me you thought I was nicel, and you told me you wished we could be together. You asked me if you could kiss me, and in the darkness that was only interrupted by the soft blue glow of the dashboard, you never looked more handsome. My body ached from the laughing and in that moment I was so tempted to say yes. But your boylfriend... You love him. I know you love him. You were having his ring , and I think he has proposed you. No matter what feelings we have for each other, no matter how real they are...he was there first. So I said no.

I wrote in a long time ago, back when I had my heart torn to pieces by someone who I thought was going to be there for much longer than she was. It was a depressing entry, one full of sadness and heartbreak. I can remember exactly how I felt as I poured out my soul to an anonymous blog.

Funny how things change in time.Looking back I really should of listened to everyone's advice of how time heals all wounds. It seemed easier to just be cynical and want to be left alone in my pain.

Imagine my surprise when one day that pain slowly started to go away. Like a wound fading into a scar, my sad self slowly started to fade and I became me again. I was finally letting myself be happy.

Than she happened.

This plain ordinary girl suddenly became extraordinary.

She started to give me all those feelings I thought I'd never feel again and eventually my fragile heart fell in love with her..

She is honestly the best thing to ever happen to me. Being with her is like every amazing feeling I've ever felt rolled into one.

I'm happy, so freaking happy.

There is something else I am which is hard to admit though. I am so scared. Scared of hurting again. My broken heart fell in love and healed itself around her. I broke so easy last time I don't know if I could survive losing this one. 

Wondergirl I love you. So much more than anything else in this entire world. I just wanted you to know, you saved me.

Love

I am writing to say that I am sorry. I’m sorry because I know what it’s like to feel deeply for someone who feels lightly for you. I understand the unrelenting stirring in your stomach when you see them. The deceiving optimism when you think “maybe this time they’ll realize they want me too,” then feeling so foolish when it ends up being just like every other time. To think that maybe minor changes will win their affection. I’ll cut my hair. I’ll wear that shirt instead of this one. I’ll grow my hair out. To obsess over your shortcomings. To want to change yourself at all for someone because you think having them push your hair back and kiss your neck is worth it. I know what it’s like to think about a person when you’re alone in your bed knowing that if you could have anything it would be their company and to feel the emptiness in the space next to you. To go to a place you’ve never been with them before but it reminds you of them anyway because you feel happy there. To go through scenarios in your head where everything goes right, where you say all the right things and you can feel them loving you back and the heavy sting when reality seems so far from that place. To think about the people they have loved and wonder why somebody else deserves something you want so badly. I know what it’s like to try to feel this way for anyone else. To kiss somebody with the nicest smile but at the end of it it’s not the one you want. You want the cynical one. I know exactly how it feels to ache. To feel deprived. To feel stupid. To know they never think about you when you can’t seem to stop picturing their face. I know what it’s like to think being in love is the fucking worst. To hope for nonchalance. To wish you could feel lightly. But it is not in our nature.


We are two people in love. We feel heavily but not for each other. I love you and you love not meh. It is not meant to be any other way, and from my very being I am sorry. I wish so badly that I could reciprocate your feelings. It would make so much sense.