You know when love is just beautiful? When you find someone who’s creases in the palms of their hands perfectly match up with yours? When that person’s smile is like the sunrise to your happiness? Just the mere thought of them creates a tidal wave of butterflies in the pit of your stomach, but in a good way. When you awake every morning to either their scent right beside you, or a sweet text message telling you everything you want to hear. When that person makes you feel like the only human being existing in their world and you just feel an endless supply of love, like nothing, not a single thing can bring you down?
I can’t tell you about that kind of love. I can, however, tell you all about the dark side of love. The kind of love that feels like the most poisonous, addictive drug that courses through your insides and rots away your very core. The kind of love that leaves you both numb, a hopeless void, and at the same time as contradictory as it sounds, in excruciating pain. When you find yourself sitting in your dark bedroom at 3am, just staring in a type of catatonia caused by racing thoughts of how it all ended up here? When you become all too familiar with the taste of your own tears and you just bleed your eyes dry until you can’t cry anymore. The type of love that has you shaking in bed, anxious if they’re going to walk away this time (again) for the millionth time. Wondering, in a constant battle with yourself, if this is your entire fault, if this is what you deserve? It’s like heaven and hell in comparison. That’s how I imagine it anyway. Some people are just blessed with love, with a perfect person, with flowers growing from their fingertips, and warmth dancing around them. But some people are cursed with love, with swollen eyes, and heavy hearts, and thorns breaking through their skin.
I have never been addicted to any substance, but I imagine that it’s exactly the same really. You meet this person who you think is so right for you, so intriguing and you’re excited to try this person. That’s your first hit, your first snort, your first injection, your first sip; the first time the drug flows through your bloodstream and it’s euphoria, it’s perfect. It’s warm and it’s magnificent and it makes you feel things you’ve never in a million years felt. You want more, no, you need more. You need them; their body, their smell, their voice, their sound, their presence, their feeling, their promises, you need it all until you become greedy. You become addicted to this person, essentially your own personal drug, designed just for you, baby. And that’s when the darkness comes. This drug isn’t all you thought it was but you’re desperate. It’s not good for you anymore. It’s arguments and miscommunications and not understanding what you want. It’s fights and broken glass and bruises and lust. It’s addiction. It’s adrenaline and screams and sobbing into your pillow. It’s begging and pleading and promising you’ll do anything for more, just more of him, anything as long as you don’t take away the drug. You can’t live without it and by now the scariest and saddest thing of all has happened: you’ve lost yourself. The single, most important thing- your own self- has been lost in this addiction. You’ve lost friends and family and people look at you with pity, they start to notice the sunken eyes and your shrinking frame. They notice that you’ve become less of a person and more of a ghost, that they’re speaking to you but you aren’t hearing them. The world spins and whirls around you in colors and fast flashes and it makes you so f*cking nauseated, so you choose to just stay in your bed, the only safety you know anymore. Eventually, you start your rehab. You cut them out, you detox their existence, they disappear and so do your cravings. But it doesn’t last for long does it? Because they always, always come back. A text message from her, a “hey how have you been?”, a silent phone call, an “I miss you”, a night of sex…whatever it is and she’s back in your system and god, you forgot how good this drug was, and before you know it you’re sucked right back into this disgusting, vicious cycle until you’re left realizing that this drug that you need so badly, it doesn’t need you back- it just uses you, it just plays with your head to get what it wants. And you’re right back in the darkness, sitting in your bedroom, dragging on a cigarette with ashes all over your face and palms, sobbing, hating yourself for letting that drug back in, for believing that this drug would finally love you the way you loved it, for hoping that just this once you’d have your heaven.
But let me tell you something. You will never find your heaven if you stay in your hell and those thorns will never turn to flowers if you stay out of the sunlight.
I’ve spent the last year and a half, chasing after an ex girlfriend who left me and has since lead me to hell and back. She’s used me and blamed me, she’s never thought she was wrong, she’s bounced between me and other guys and never once apologized. She’s made me feel like I was nothing, worthless, and never good enough. She’s hardened my heart and I’ve cried a sea’s worth of tears over her- and that’s not even the half of it. I’ve walked away countless times just to let her back in when she comes back around, because this gal is my drug. Can I even call it love? Probably not. But I can’t let go. I wish I were strong enough, but I’m drained, I’m exhausted, I’ve overdosed and sometimes I feel like I’m already dead.
There’s a quote that goes: “I would have followed her to hell if she asked me to, and with all she put me through, maybe I did.”
I formally met her about a year ago. She is friends with my close group of friends and we always hung out around each other. At a party, we instantly clicked and realized we had so much in common. She had that strange charm and the ability to always make me smile and laugh every time I see her. She flirted with me and tried to get my attention any chance she could get. My friends saw it and her did too. This summer when my parents went out of town, our group of friends came to my house every night. And she came too. My stomach developed the biggest mix of emotions when I was around her and I couldn’t think straight. She had this strange ability to make me forget about everything but her. She would text me things only I would understand, we had so many inside jokes and mutual interests that I thought things could be perfect. But the most inviting thing about her is the way she could make me laugh harder than anyone ever has.
I didn’t care what anyone thought about me but her. During one of these summer days with our group of friends, we were talking alone when I told her all of my deepest feelings about her and my fears of her not wanting me back. But, she said she wanted me too and that she wasn’t interested in anyone else. Even when I asked her about her recent fling, she said there was no connection with his anymore. Her relationship with him r still scared me though and when she texted me to come to a party the next night in a group text that included him as a recipient, I felt awkward and empty. Unfortunately, I couldn’t make it to that party and saw pictures of him and her cuddling and acting romantic. This hurt. A lot. I went on vacation with my family the next day for a two week trip. Over the course of the next couple days, I noticed that she was “in a relationship” on Facebook with this guy, whom I was so concerned about. This hurt too, but this time- even more.
I have never felt so empty in my life and lonely than the days that followed. She lied to me, but I wasn’t mad at her. I was just sad. The night I got back from my trip, I saw her at a party and there was tension between us but she said hi like everything was normal, but things were not the same. It is now almost 7 months since the day I told her my true feelings for her, and she has been dating her boyfriend for 6 months.
The reason I am writing this now is because I ran into her yesterday. She seemed good- happy. She called my name from a few feet away and went in for a hug. I hugged her back but it hurt me so bad to know that she is happy with someone else, and I am just here. There is no other way to describe the feeling other than a void in your chest. Something that was somewhat filled before and it remains empty now.
I hope this pain goes away, with time it has weakened but I can still feel the flutter in my chest each time I see her. All I want is to talk to her about her reasoning behind the lies and the ingenuity—if that's what it even was. Who knows. To this day, I tell myself that I should be mad at her, that she lied and fooled me, but I just can’t bring myself to be mad. I miss the way you made me feel. I miss our memories. I miss you. And I don't know why.
For the first time in 3 years I felt like we got to the spot we were suppose to be at before we got lost.
The first 16 months of our relationship was so fast but I remember almost every moment in slow motion realizing what we had early on was not to be forgotten. When we first met, I remember you went around the table introducing yourself and saying hello to every person except for me. Lastly you looked at me with the enticing look I am sure I returned you with, thinking, we both knew there was more to this encounter then hello. Sitting through the movie all I could think about was who you were and the future ahead of us, a future I knew that was undeniably avoidable. I wasn’t sure of the future, no one is ever, but at that time I knew my future contained you in some manner. Within a weeks time we were at our first outing with a group of friends at a baseball game. Our conversation was filled with nothing but laughter. The night ended in holding hands and butterflies under the fireworks. The rest of the summer wasn’t any different then the first night. You were always an angel and held doors, you became my best friend and we shared stories most would not. But in the midst of the sprint we made through the summer together, we finished apart. No one winning the race.
Over the next 3 years we struggled finding a spot back in each other’s lives. Fighting lust, love and life, never truly finding a place.
We both had dated others and tried moving on and blindly ignoring the problem at hand.
We both just needed to find a way move on.
I started seeing someone recently and for the first time I hadn’t thought about you.
Until I did.
We just got off the phone for the first time in months today. We caught up about work, family and life, when you brought up my love life. I hesitated………. but then I broke the ice, talking about my issues and asking for your thoughts. All I wanted was my best friend, your, advice. You spearheaded the conversation with thoughtful and honest guidance creating a path of conversation I never thought we would be able to consume. The talk felt natural, pure and sincere. We ended the call with best regards for each other and a plan to catch a friendly ball game with friends in the future.
Finally I found the spot I believe you were always meant for.
I still remember her "I LOVE YOU " when she whispered in my earz warmly for the very first time...I closed my eyez and felt her breath...it waz magical indeed...that feeling waz just out of the world...yes heart I waz in a relationship with her since past few monthz 3 yearz back but I felt like we were together since yearz...I waz very serious for her...she waz my FIRST LOVE...I couldn't even think of surviving without her...I waz mentally...physically and emotionally too involved...!! ♥
Day by day our meetingz got more passionate...seemed like with every meeting I waz falling for her even more madly...seemed as if I waz going gaga...I waz truly in LOVE with her...with every "I LOVE YOU" she said...she made me love her even more...I beleived her...I trusted her...I trusted her every word...I did everything she wanted...somethingz coz of my love towardz her n somethingz coz I didn't wanted to hurt her...!! ♥
I gave my more then best to our relationship...then why...?? Why she "LIED"...?? YES heart...SHE LIED...she lied everything...each and everything waz fake...all bullshit...she lied that she loved me...she lied that she is serious for me...she lied that she wantz her future with me...she broke my heart...she shattered me...and the most hurting thing even after all this waz that she didn't even bothered to look behind once...to look at me...my situation...!! ♥
I felt like dieing...coz in some corner of my mind I made her my everything...she waz my lifeline...I couldn't even think of surviving without her...I cried...I pleaded...I begged but nothing got right so finally when thingz got over the brim of my "SELF ESTEEM" I decided to "MOVE ON"...itz been 3 yearz now and I am hapily moved on...yes time is the best healer so give time some time...but in my mind I still think that if she wazn't serious about me I wish she wouldn't have lied and instead would have told me her true feelingz towardz me...I wish she would have told that she wazn't serious for me the way I waz...I wish...I wish one day she understandz that