I threw out the last of your things today. All of your letters, cards, and mementos are all gone now. That one last text that I had left in my inbox for months, telling me how much you loved me has finally been deleted. I haven’t actually looked at any of these things since the day you told me you didn’t love me anymore. They were more like ghosts. Things that haunted me, stuffed in drawers and closets, marking their territory as places I would have to avoid, unless I wanted to be reminded of what used to be.
The funny thing is, I never kept these things or clung to them because I believed you’d come back. I always knew better than that. I knew the moment you ended it that when you walked away you were walking away for good. And that moment will forever be engraved in my mind, in my heart, in my soul. I can’t shake it. It was like falling down a flight of stairs and landing on my stomach, having the breath knocked right out of me. It’s been five long months since that day. It took me five months to finally dispose of every last reminder of you because I was afraid. I was afraid that by getting rid of those memories that I would forget what it felt like to be loved like that. You fell out of love with me, and a part of me will probably always resent you for that. But at the time that those notes were written, those texts were sent, and those gifts were given, you were in love with me. And maybe it wasn’t the memory of you I was avoiding ridding my room of, but the memory of being loved wholeheartedly by someone.
Five months from the day my heart was given back to me in a million pieces, and I’m better now. I collected most of the pieces and put them back together. There’s just one little crack left, and I think that may always be there. The scar reminding me that I had a first love who I gave all of myself to. But I’m not bitter anymore, I’m free now; free to find someone to love me fiercely with everything they have. Free to find someone to love me the way I will love them.
The reason I am writing this shouldn't exist. We know where we need to be with each other and have known for a long time, but we also know the reasons why we can't move forward... and because of these reasons we'll never be able to leave the place were at. I don't just love you from a boyfriends point of view I don't even love you from just being your friend. I can't even begin to describe the way I feel about you. And even after everything we're still standing together.
You're someone that you go through hell with, but because you're still with me when it's over that's how I know I love you. We don't need to end this so that we can be with other people. You and I both have been waiting for something to come along that is going to help us move forward because there's no where else for us to go. I don't need to hear you tell me you want for me to like certain things about you. I don't want for you to tell me you wished I liked your hair. I don't want you to wear denims because I told you I liked them. I've made it this far. There's not one single thing that you could do that would make me turn and walk away from you. But if we take enough time we can stop. We can make ourselves move into a future that we know is going to be better for us. But we have to be willing to make that decisions or else we'll never get out of this.
For so long I have been closed off to others because I was happier being unhappy with you that being happy with someone who I didn't care for as much as I do you. I would prefer your imperfections over anything that another girl could give me. I have no idea what is up ahead, but I do know if I let myself sit in this standstill I'm never going to have a chance at getting over the way I feel about you. I don't want us to give each other up and try something new and then run back to each other. I don't want to be each others options. We both deserve better and what makes everything so hard is that we deserve the best that we know we can both put forth, but yet we're holding on to too many things from our past that will never allow us to give each other what we want for them.
We know we need to do this. I just don't want it to be out of hatred or because someone met someone else. I want to be able to move on before it's too late for either of us to have what we know we deserve.
15th april.2013 around 11:40 p.m. I waz in my room surfing net when suddenly my phone vibrated…it waz a call…I rushed to my study table…with loadz of expectationz in my eyez within a second I picked my phone and saw the caller…it wazn’t “HER”…in rage I cut the call and threw my phone…this is what I am going through since past 1 month…!! </3
It has been almost a year since we together but I am amazed that even after a year she actually has no attachment with me…we are not talking normally from past 1 month but still it seemz as if she doesn’t care at all…she is happy like that…without me…it hurtz…it really does specially when you see your only and only LOVE happy without you…I am upset…I don’t know what went wrong…?? What did I do…?? Why I am being punished…?? Why is she ignoring me…?? I just loved her…through the core of my heart even then she did this to me…why…?? ♥
Everytime I call her at night her phone is busy…she doesn’t even care to call back…even from some mutual friendz I got to know that she is alwayz out and busy and that too most probably with some guy…I even checked her status on whatz app…it waz dedicated to someone…obviously to some guy…I see her online on chat but she never botherz to reply me…not even once…she is not even bothered to know if I am alive or not…may be my LOVE for her went wrong somewhere…thatz why I am being punished like this…!! ♥
Or may be she found someone “BETTER” thatz why I am being ignored like this…Yes…she found someone better…someone more beautiful…someone more lovely…someone more charming…but there is one thing at which no one can ever replace me and that is my true and pure “LOVE” towardz her…NO ONE can love her more than I do…I am heart broken…I am shattered…I am smashed…this pain of being replaced actually hurtz…I wish one day may she realize what she did to me so that she doesn’t repeat this again with someone else…!! ♥
9th April 2K13.. I don’t know what is happening with me…I am just not feeling right…I am feeling uneasy…restless…thousandz of thingz are flooded in my mind…my future…my career…my family…my girlriend…I am way too tensed…I don’t know why I am feeling like this…this is the first time I am feeling such uneasiness…seemz like my essense and “ME”…all got vanished…!! ♥
From the past few dayz I am feeling this…itz like a bad sort of feeling…as if something is not going “RIGHT”…as if there is something wrong going around…seemz like I am not able to figure it out as well…not only this but even strange is that I don’t even feel like talking to anyone…I just feel like staying “ALONE”…all alone…from past few dayz I am not speaking to anyone properly…not even “HER”…I am not able to speak up anything to anyone coz itz almost impossible for me to explain what I am going through right now as I am myself not able to figure it out…!!
I wonder why me..?? Why am I experiencing this aweful feeling…itz so upseting…due to this behaviour of mine my friendz are misinterpreting me…they think I am ignoring them…they think I am showing attitude…all of them…one after another are leaving me but there waz only one person who didn’t…it waz “HER”…in my difficult situation and my changed behaviour she waz the one who supported me throughout…she made me speak up my problem…she consoled me…!! ♥
Basically we guys face so many hurdlez…upz and downz…mental and physical shockz…family pressure…work stress…thousandz of burdenz and responsibilitiez…that at timez we just need a “BREAK”…thatz the time we should stay “ALONE”…for a time being ofcourse…this break is necessary so as to revive yourself…your “INNER YOU”…your soul…she made me realize what and why I waz going through…now that I had my “ALONE BREAK”…with her support I am back now…I have again revived…so alwayz remember “AT TIMEZ BEING ALONE…FOR A TIME BEING OFCOURSE…IS THE ONLY WAY OUT…” ♥
