I am writing to say that I am sorry. I’m sorry because I know what it’s like to feel deeply for someone who feels lightly for you. I understand the unrelenting stirring in your stomach when you see them. The deceiving optimism when you think “maybe this time they’ll realize they want me too,” then feeling so foolish when it ends up being just like every other time. To think that maybe minor changes will win their affection. I’ll cut my hair. I’ll wear that shirt instead of this one. I’ll grow my hair out. To obsess over your shortcomings. To want to change yourself at all for someone because you think having them push your hair back and kiss your neck is worth it. I know what it’s like to think about a person when you’re alone in your bed knowing that if you could have anything it would be their company and to feel the emptiness in the space next to you. To go to a place you’ve never been with them before but it reminds you of them anyway because you feel happy there. To go through scenarios in your head where everything goes right, where you say all the right things and you can feel them loving you back and the heavy sting when reality seems so far from that place. To think about the people they have loved and wonder why somebody else deserves something you want so badly. I know what it’s like to try to feel this way for anyone else. To kiss somebody with the nicest smile but at the end of it it’s not the one you want. You want the cynical one. I know exactly how it feels to ache. To feel deprived. To feel stupid. To know they never think about you when you can’t seem to stop picturing their face. I know what it’s like to think being in love is the fucking worst. To hope for nonchalance. To wish you could feel lightly. But it is not in our nature.


We are two people in love. We feel heavily but not for each other. I love you and you love not meh. It is not meant to be any other way, and from my very being I am sorry. I wish so badly that I could reciprocate your feelings. It would make so much sense.