I can't stop wondering where all those words and feelings have gone.

Fourteen is too young to introduce yourself to someone and understand that, in some way, you've always known them and somehow, you always will. her hair was long, unkept and mine was various shades of rebellion but it wasn't our bodies that connect, that lit an instant fire it was something so much deeper. i would like to say that moment was when i fell in love with her, but it was never an actual event, it just always has been true. i've been in love with her since eternity. 

my best friend for five years, even when she moved countries apart. we always understood how rare, how golden what we have is... we were scared to tarnish it. i'm still scared of tarnishing it, though now it isn't by my immature and needy understanding of love but because she is so good. She deserves the world and while i would adore to be the one to give it to her, i don't know if i can carry that weight. in my search for hier my shoulders have been broken under the weight of a thousand worries.

But when we finally took the leap, despite the alcohol in our veins and the fear in our hearts it was all okay. not perfect, not close to it, but as a fell asleep whispering that i loved her into her lap and her fingers traced my goose-bumped skin, i finally felt as if i could rest.

i found my home. it is her.

After a while we fell in love, one of us faster than the other. The years went by;she became my best (and perhaps only) friend. Most of my other relationships ran out in the sand. But I was happy with him. I loved her.

I really don't know where it all went wrong. Maybe it was wrong all the way from the beginning (I was still in love with another girl when we first started seeing each other). Maybe it wasn't. I don't know. But I do know one thing: This is not right. Not for me anyways..

The worst part is that she seems perfectly fine with our relationship. She's happy. Most of the time I'm not. Right now I only see her on weekends and I know that's supposed to be a bad thing, but in fact I'm a bit relieved. I don't miss her when she's away. I know I should but I don't. When she calls me and tells me how much she loves me and misses me I automatically repeat: "Love you too. Miss you too". What else is there to say?

I've even cheated on her. Not only once. It has happened at least three times. In my defense I was very drunk. And it was only kissing. (Although that's not an excuse.) I haven't told her and I don't have the heart to tell her. I know how sad and disappointed she would be. But I felt more free being with these random girls than being with her. I felt more like myself. After one of these nights I spent with another girl she was at home waiting for me; worried about me and angry with me for not answering my phone.

She's supposed to move in with me in a few weeks and I don't know if I can take that. She already spends the weekends at my place and that's (in my opinion) more than enough. But we've been together for four years now so I guess that's the natural thing to do. I just have this ache in my heart. What if? What if we're not meant to be together? What if my soul mate is out there and I'm wasting my time with the wrong girl?

Of course it's not all bad. We have a lot of fun when we're together. She's really the sweetest and kindest girl I've ever met. But something isn't right. I love her, but I'm not in love with her. I don't want to lose her, but I don't want to stay with her either. And I know that we can't just be friends. That's not who we are.

I don't know how to tell her that I want to break up. I don't want to hurt her. Instead I'm hurting myself.

Last night I went out dancing and I ended up talking with this really nice girl. She asked for my phone number and I gave it to her without giving it a second thought. She walked me home and we hugged goodnight. I'm not saying I want to be with her instead; my point is that it was nice just talking to another girl about random stuff. Whatever.

I feel like shit. I know I'm treating my girlfriend really bad without her even knowing it. I don't know what to do.

I am madly in love with her. She has the nicest smile. She has the nicest body. But she isn’t very refined. They say when you love someone, you should love them for who they are and not try to change them. But there are things about her that I cannot stand. She eats loudly. She pressures me in ways I am uncomfortable with. And she is disrespectful to loved ones at times.

My ex was never like this. She was kind, loving, nurturing, respectful, and everything else one could dream of. Why did I leave her? Because I met my current love. But is this love real? Or a facade? How do I make the right decision without hurting her or myself?

Longing for a hug has never made me feel like this before. It just seems to me incredibly pathetic to put a smile upon my face just by remembering her full name. To see those letters standing one behind another composing the word I love to see the most seems to give my heart a new rhythm, a new beating compass, something faster than anything I’ve ever seen. And I couldn’t feel any sillier than I already do, especially because all of these emotions are just so not meant to be felt.

Waking up to a bright new day has another meaning. It means I’m six hours behind on her schedule, it means I’m six hours late; It’s almost as if I’d been wasting time while I was asleep. Going to bed at 10pm doesn’t mean I’m going to bed early, means that I made her stay up till 4am, that I got her tired and if she doesn’t get a proper night of sleep, it’s gonna be my fault, without a doubt. Still, it feels so right trading days over nights just so I can see her typing silly things and wishing me better days when I say I’m going through bad times.

Such a friendship. Something that I’ve never had with anyone near me I now have with someone who lies thousands of miles away. It’s so weird to feel my cheeks automatically compressed in a corky smile whenever I see the little window show up warning me she’s online. How bad is that? I mean, how the hell did I ever become this dependent of someone who’s not even here? How could I ever let myself nourish a feeling for a being who’s most likely to never feel my touch and give me her touch in return? I just feel like the clock’s ticking, I’m frozen in time and I can’t do anything to make this ever work. My hands are tied, and it’s not like we can risk it all over a feeling which may go away somewhere between ‘Hello’ and ‘Goodbye’. Though I'm sure this feeling's not going anywhere.

The worst is not being able to say that. I gotta keep it to myself, all these crazy emotions that keep driving me insane at night. I’d never risk losing his friendship over a stupid misplaced ‘I like you and I want to know if you like me too’. Sometimes it hurts me knowing that if I keep talking to her I’ll never be free of this desire of being with her, being by her side.

And I really wouldn’t be surprised to find out I love her.