After a while we fell in love, one of us faster than the other. The years went by;she became my best (and perhaps only) friend. Most of my other relationships ran out in the sand. But I was happy with him. I loved her.

I really don't know where it all went wrong. Maybe it was wrong all the way from the beginning (I was still in love with another girl when we first started seeing each other). Maybe it wasn't. I don't know. But I do know one thing: This is not right. Not for me anyways..

The worst part is that she seems perfectly fine with our relationship. She's happy. Most of the time I'm not. Right now I only see her on weekends and I know that's supposed to be a bad thing, but in fact I'm a bit relieved. I don't miss her when she's away. I know I should but I don't. When she calls me and tells me how much she loves me and misses me I automatically repeat: "Love you too. Miss you too". What else is there to say?

I've even cheated on her. Not only once. It has happened at least three times. In my defense I was very drunk. And it was only kissing. (Although that's not an excuse.) I haven't told her and I don't have the heart to tell her. I know how sad and disappointed she would be. But I felt more free being with these random girls than being with her. I felt more like myself. After one of these nights I spent with another girl she was at home waiting for me; worried about me and angry with me for not answering my phone.

She's supposed to move in with me in a few weeks and I don't know if I can take that. She already spends the weekends at my place and that's (in my opinion) more than enough. But we've been together for four years now so I guess that's the natural thing to do. I just have this ache in my heart. What if? What if we're not meant to be together? What if my soul mate is out there and I'm wasting my time with the wrong girl?

Of course it's not all bad. We have a lot of fun when we're together. She's really the sweetest and kindest girl I've ever met. But something isn't right. I love her, but I'm not in love with her. I don't want to lose her, but I don't want to stay with her either. And I know that we can't just be friends. That's not who we are.

I don't know how to tell her that I want to break up. I don't want to hurt her. Instead I'm hurting myself.

Last night I went out dancing and I ended up talking with this really nice girl. She asked for my phone number and I gave it to her without giving it a second thought. She walked me home and we hugged goodnight. I'm not saying I want to be with her instead; my point is that it was nice just talking to another girl about random stuff. Whatever.

I feel like shit. I know I'm treating my girlfriend really bad without her even knowing it. I don't know what to do.