It happened completely unexpected. I wasn't looking for anything, I was still stuck on the one who will be left nameless. Then you happened

It Wasn't Nothing....

Distracted

It’s happened again

I can’t keep my mind on the task at hand

You’re bad for my work

But so good for my health

You make me smile

When I really don’t think I can

Even this next line

Isn’t coming out how I want it to

My vision goes blurry

Reliving memories of days past

The conversations

The silences

That doesn’t happen too often

I wonder if you realise all this

I would never tell you

It’s probably not good for your health

But it might be

You just never know

Could be nothing

I hope it’s not.

♥

I am not going to go all stalker on you, but I at least want to put my thoughts down. I need to get this out for me and once again I am sorry for doing this. Seems I've always been good at hurting you and now is no different. 

I was an unappreciative lover who didn't see how much I loved you.

I turned my back on you in your time of need. 

I didn't fight to keep you until it was too late.

I didn't show my love for you on a regular basis. 

I didn't keep you happy.

I tried to control you instead of letting you control yourself. 

I, in part, allowed you to become so dependent on me. 

I didn't make love to you every chance I got.

I expected you to turn off your illness to please me. With this one, there is some middle ground. I wanted you to see that you do have control and not to give up. I think I took it too far at times. 

I didn't realize how much I was IN LOVE with you until it was too late

And most of all, I didn't make you want to stay with me.

I can't stop wondering where all those words and feelings have gone.

Fourteen is too young to introduce yourself to someone and understand that, in some way, you've always known them and somehow, you always will. her hair was long, unkept and mine was various shades of rebellion but it wasn't our bodies that connect, that lit an instant fire it was something so much deeper. i would like to say that moment was when i fell in love with her, but it was never an actual event, it just always has been true. i've been in love with her since eternity. 

my best friend for five years, even when she moved countries apart. we always understood how rare, how golden what we have is... we were scared to tarnish it. i'm still scared of tarnishing it, though now it isn't by my immature and needy understanding of love but because she is so good. She deserves the world and while i would adore to be the one to give it to her, i don't know if i can carry that weight. in my search for hier my shoulders have been broken under the weight of a thousand worries.

But when we finally took the leap, despite the alcohol in our veins and the fear in our hearts it was all okay. not perfect, not close to it, but as a fell asleep whispering that i loved her into her lap and her fingers traced my goose-bumped skin, i finally felt as if i could rest.

i found my home. it is her.

After a while we fell in love, one of us faster than the other. The years went by;she became my best (and perhaps only) friend. Most of my other relationships ran out in the sand. But I was happy with him. I loved her.

I really don't know where it all went wrong. Maybe it was wrong all the way from the beginning (I was still in love with another girl when we first started seeing each other). Maybe it wasn't. I don't know. But I do know one thing: This is not right. Not for me anyways..

The worst part is that she seems perfectly fine with our relationship. She's happy. Most of the time I'm not. Right now I only see her on weekends and I know that's supposed to be a bad thing, but in fact I'm a bit relieved. I don't miss her when she's away. I know I should but I don't. When she calls me and tells me how much she loves me and misses me I automatically repeat: "Love you too. Miss you too". What else is there to say?

I've even cheated on her. Not only once. It has happened at least three times. In my defense I was very drunk. And it was only kissing. (Although that's not an excuse.) I haven't told her and I don't have the heart to tell her. I know how sad and disappointed she would be. But I felt more free being with these random girls than being with her. I felt more like myself. After one of these nights I spent with another girl she was at home waiting for me; worried about me and angry with me for not answering my phone.

She's supposed to move in with me in a few weeks and I don't know if I can take that. She already spends the weekends at my place and that's (in my opinion) more than enough. But we've been together for four years now so I guess that's the natural thing to do. I just have this ache in my heart. What if? What if we're not meant to be together? What if my soul mate is out there and I'm wasting my time with the wrong girl?

Of course it's not all bad. We have a lot of fun when we're together. She's really the sweetest and kindest girl I've ever met. But something isn't right. I love her, but I'm not in love with her. I don't want to lose her, but I don't want to stay with her either. And I know that we can't just be friends. That's not who we are.

I don't know how to tell her that I want to break up. I don't want to hurt her. Instead I'm hurting myself.

Last night I went out dancing and I ended up talking with this really nice girl. She asked for my phone number and I gave it to her without giving it a second thought. She walked me home and we hugged goodnight. I'm not saying I want to be with her instead; my point is that it was nice just talking to another girl about random stuff. Whatever.

I feel like shit. I know I'm treating my girlfriend really bad without her even knowing it. I don't know what to do.

I am madly in love with her. She has the nicest smile. She has the nicest body. But she isn’t very refined. They say when you love someone, you should love them for who they are and not try to change them. But there are things about her that I cannot stand. She eats loudly. She pressures me in ways I am uncomfortable with. And she is disrespectful to loved ones at times.

My ex was never like this. She was kind, loving, nurturing, respectful, and everything else one could dream of. Why did I leave her? Because I met my current love. But is this love real? Or a facade? How do I make the right decision without hurting her or myself?

Longing for a hug has never made me feel like this before. It just seems to me incredibly pathetic to put a smile upon my face just by remembering her full name. To see those letters standing one behind another composing the word I love to see the most seems to give my heart a new rhythm, a new beating compass, something faster than anything I’ve ever seen. And I couldn’t feel any sillier than I already do, especially because all of these emotions are just so not meant to be felt.

Waking up to a bright new day has another meaning. It means I’m six hours behind on her schedule, it means I’m six hours late; It’s almost as if I’d been wasting time while I was asleep. Going to bed at 10pm doesn’t mean I’m going to bed early, means that I made her stay up till 4am, that I got her tired and if she doesn’t get a proper night of sleep, it’s gonna be my fault, without a doubt. Still, it feels so right trading days over nights just so I can see her typing silly things and wishing me better days when I say I’m going through bad times.

Such a friendship. Something that I’ve never had with anyone near me I now have with someone who lies thousands of miles away. It’s so weird to feel my cheeks automatically compressed in a corky smile whenever I see the little window show up warning me she’s online. How bad is that? I mean, how the hell did I ever become this dependent of someone who’s not even here? How could I ever let myself nourish a feeling for a being who’s most likely to never feel my touch and give me her touch in return? I just feel like the clock’s ticking, I’m frozen in time and I can’t do anything to make this ever work. My hands are tied, and it’s not like we can risk it all over a feeling which may go away somewhere between ‘Hello’ and ‘Goodbye’. Though I'm sure this feeling's not going anywhere.

The worst is not being able to say that. I gotta keep it to myself, all these crazy emotions that keep driving me insane at night. I’d never risk losing his friendship over a stupid misplaced ‘I like you and I want to know if you like me too’. Sometimes it hurts me knowing that if I keep talking to her I’ll never be free of this desire of being with her, being by her side.

And I really wouldn’t be surprised to find out I love her.

When I met you, I was getting over someone. Someone who was great at first and whom I had given my heart to and she had stomped all over it. I didn't know how or why it ended so abruptly. I was hurt and was working on getting over @her; I was working on getting past the need to find answers when someone just pushes you aside as if you were disposable. 

But when I saw you, I wanted you. I didn't wanted you to be my girlfriend, I knew I couldn't offer you anything, I was empty and you were ending your relationship, I knew better than to get involved with someone I couldn't give or receive anything and for the first time, I had no expectations.

But time went by and I never said what I had rehearsed in my head over and over again, I never uttered the words, let's end this before it's too late and someone gets hurt...

 I have never been happier to have kept # quiet.#

We were in New York City - the city that never sleeps. And girl, was I not sleeping.You didn't know it at that time, but I was so nervous. You weren't the first girl I've shared a bed with but for some reason, I felt like my heart was about to leap out of my chest. In one smooth motion, I took you into my arms. You gazed up at me as I anxiously looked down at you.

I'm not ready yet...don't make me push you away.I put mine hand on your heart. I caught Your breathe and held it for what seemed like an eternity. And then I leaned down and kissed you softly and just held you for the whole night.

I wasn't even sure if I loved you yet. But at that moment, I knew you were different. You weren't like the other girls didn't rush me or make me feel bad for pulling you. You were patient.

Patiently waited for me until I was ready. Ready in every way to have you in my life.

I'm obsessed with you, I think about you constantly.

I have loved you since kindergarten and often I can't believe you're really mine.

Sometimes I forgot how amazingly hot you are until you walk through the front door, I've never been so attracted to anyone in my life.

I love the rereading the box full of letters you wrote me while we lived apart.

I love the way you make me feel amazing about myself.

You have such a cute butt.

I love that you make me laugh every day, and often so hard I cry.

I loved when you were so excited to find out we were having a baby, when I was totally freaked out.

I love when we fall asleep holding hands.

I adore how romantic you are.

I love the way we share almost every meal.

You are my favorite person.

I loved that summer after high school before we moved to different places, spending every waking minute together.

I even love that we can argue and fight, and then how we can make up...usually very quickly.

I love how you wouldn't complain when  I  slept from 6pm to 8am when you was pregnant.

I loved going to Senior Prom with you.

I loved that you followed me to NYC.

I love it when we snuggle every morning.

I love how excited you are to get me to bed...

I love how I can hear you smile in the dark.

You are the only one I ever wanted to be with.

You are my perfect other half, you make me the happiest I've ever been.

I want to take care of each other forever.

Love is too weak a word for what I feel -- I lurve you, you know, I loave you, I loff you, two F's

I loff you ,