You asked me if I have ever been in love that night. I said yes, but you know what, I don’t think I ever have. Looking back at my past relationships there was no one quite like you. Have I ever been in love? My answer now? No, I have never been in love, but I have definitely never felt this for anyone else.
I never had an issue with you coming and going in and out of my life, I actually enjoyed it... until that night. I allowed you into my heart and I know that you allowed me into yours to but you have ignored me ever since. I can’t seem to get you off of my mind. You always put up such a good front with me and I finally saw the raw you, and that raw piece of you is the one that has my heart. I haven’t spoken to anyone about that night because I don’t even know where to begin. All I know is I’m getting tired of your games, I’m tired of you showing me the deepest part of you and then ignoring my every attempt to talk to you.
They say if you love something, let it go… if it comes back to you, then its yours to keep forever. Well J, this is me letting you go, now the rest? Well that’s up to you to decide, but just know, I won’t wait for you forever.
I never had an issue with you coming and going in and out of my life, I actually enjoyed it... until that night. I allowed you into my heart and I know that you allowed me into yours to but you have ignored me ever since. I can’t seem to get you off of my mind. You always put up such a good front with me and I finally saw the raw you, and that raw piece of you is the one that has my heart. I haven’t spoken to anyone about that night because I don’t even know where to begin. All I know is I’m getting tired of your games, I’m tired of you showing me the deepest part of you and then ignoring my every attempt to talk to you.
They say if you love something, let it go… if it comes back to you, then its yours to keep forever. Well J, this is me letting you go, now the rest? Well that’s up to you to decide, but just know, I won’t wait for you forever.
I think the reason I can’t handle this is because I have so many regrets. If I could go back and do things over, I would change everything. From the start, I would tell you how much you meant to me. Fuck ‘clingyness’. I would be honest. I’d tell you about how much I liked your hair and your funny, awkward little laugh and your silver-capped teeth and your wrinkly hands and the way you’d look at me so seriously, through your lashes, and make my stomach flip flop.
What else would I redo? I’d tell you why I was sad. Why I was hurting. Why I was scared. I’d tell you about my dad. I’d tell you about how sometimes I just wanted to be alone and listen to music. I’d tell you about how terrified I was of conformity, of drinking, of being weak and vulnerable.
Then, when I was done telling you all that, I’d kiss you and you’d kiss me back. And I’d ask you to take care of me. “Take care of me, okay?” I’d say, and you’d say yes and kiss me again and I’d feel safe.
If I could do it over, I’d realized how much you appreciated me. How you truly cared about me, not just FOR me, but ABOUT me. You cared what I had to say. You cared if I was sad or a little lost. You cared about all my weird little quirks that other guys might pretend not to notice.
I think I scared you a lot. By nature, I’m unpredictable. I change everyday. You wanted to be secure, you wanted me to tell you all those things that I never did, because deep down you knew it wasn’t the same for me. Sometimes I’d be all over you, kissing your face, telling you stories, laughing at your jokes. But in a heartbeat I’d be different. I’d be introverted, reserved. I’d look at you for long moments like I was lost. Like I didn’t know how I got there. The truth is, I didn’t know.
You were a hundred percent certain I was exactly what you wanted. I wasn’t like anyone else you’d ever known. I was beautiful in a way that only chaos can be beautiful. I wished every day that I could be as certain as you were.
All those things I regret? All those things I wish I’d said? At the time, I wanted to tell you. I wanted to say everything.
But I was scared, so scared. I was scared that you might think I was clingy if I told you that you made me happy. I was scared that you might think I wanted attention if I talked about my dad. I was scared to look vulnerable and immature and naïve if I told you my morals.
I wish that I hadn’t been so afraid. I wish I’d trusted you.
I didn’t know then just how much you cared about me. You never would have hurt me; you aren’t capable of that. I know that now. I know that you treated me so tenderly that I didn’t deserve you.
I’m so sorry for everything.
I’m glad we had each other. I’m glad you learned to love someone. I’m glad we were happy, even if only for a few weeks. I’m glad that you trusted me and respected me.
I can’t settle for anything less now. And that’s scary, and sad, but it’s okay because one day I know that someone else will come along who will care just as much as you did. Maybe he won’t come around for years, but he’ll be here. And with him, I’ll be certain. I’ll be as sure as you were with me. He’ll change my life like I changed yours, he’ll make me see everything differently and I won’t be afraid to make mistakes with him. And then he’ll break my heart like I broke yours, and you can laugh at me if you want, I deserve it.
Thank you. I’d say that I’m sorry, but I’m not sorry. I won’t apologize for a single second we spent together. All those regrets I have, all those mistakes I made, they won’t happen the next time around.
You taught me not to be scared.
You started off as a fantasy because I never thought I could have you, and now that I have you I don't feel like you belong to me. you tell me you want to be with me but you say you don't have any feelings because he broke you to pieces. You ask me if I love you and you tell me you are willing to learn to love again with me. If you were to open up my heart and listen to it, this is what it would say....
I thought I had been in love before, but you make me question all that I once felt before simply because you have made me feel a love that is deeper and more intense. I think about you all day everyday, I don't know, is that how falling in love is like? I love this feeling that is in me but it takes me from laughter to tears in minutes because you don't feel the same way. I feel I could love you forever but is forever what you want? am I too blind to realize that you and I are a lost cause. How can we be when I have wanted you for so long without you ever knowing? Could fate be so cruel that it would cross our paths just to shatter my heart to pieces or could it be that I am your knight in shining armor?
I might be ok but I'm not happy at all because here we are again and all I really want to do is tell you how much I'm in love with you but I cannot because you won't say it back. I never knew it took this little time to fall in love with you, but having to wait for you to catch up is like living with little pieces of broken glass cutting through my heart every time we are together. I truly believe you are the one, my epic love but I guess not every fairy tale has a happy ending or do they? Only you can change that for me...
I don't have anything to share per sense, but have just gotten out of a dual year-long relationship. She was my first love, and things ended not because of us, but because we want different things of the future (she wants to settle down in a few years; I want to travel the world), so being sensible we decided to end things now rather then drag them out when our relationship clearly had an expiration date.
It is difficult knowing that we do love each other and work well together, but love is just not enough in this case. It's only been a week since the break up, and I am finding some days a real struggle. I know that I am heartbroken.
However, she seems fine. She thinks she has pretty much moved on, is upset to some extent, but not enough to let it become a distraction in her life. I always thought she loved me more than I did in our relationship and she wanted to marry me and start a family together. I was also her first love,i guess. And yet she says she is not heartbroken...
I guess this has puzzled me a little and I am curious to see what others have to say about this:
If you truly love someone and they leave, is it possible not to be heartbroken?
Does lost love equate to heart-brokenness or can you love someone yet not be heartbroken about their absence?
