There you go. You're in my head. I can't get you out, you're in there eating away at all my thoughts, clouding my judgements, just taking over everything. My imagination is running wild, we already had numerous dates in my head and plenty of conversations. You've already told me how beautiful you think I am and we had our first fight. I met your friends and they think I'm great. You let me beat you in your favorite video game and you saw me cry during a sad movie. You held my hand and pulled me in for a sweet kiss.

Then I bring myself back to earth and realize its just in my head. And when I wake up in your bed I know its time to go home because there's nothing there that's holding me back. The moments pleasure is gone. I give you a light kiss goodbye and spend the rest of my day thinking about you and how it could be.

                      

i wanted to let you know how frustrating our situation is for me and that’s the safest way i can put it.

hah, see, i can barely put my feelings to words-- rather, i can’t put them in a way that you’d be comfortable with. we’ve had talks like this before, and i always have trouble getting to the point because i know that if i say something too intense or too emotional, you’ll shut yourself down. then everything after that would be like talking to a block of ice; you’d be melting away as i speak until there’s none of you left. just an empty space. and i hate that about us.

don’t get me wrong, every other aspect of whatever-it-is-we-have is fantastic. it’s almost like our lives were written out by Nicholas Spark; our relationship is a sappy, teen-romance novel. but that’s the thing. it isn’t quite that. i mean, it starts out with the cliché: you and i are two totally different people. you are quiet and shy. a girl of few words. but, hey, when you start talkin’, things start to make sense. you make every word count. you think before you act. i, on the other hand, am loud and friendly. most people say i am the jolliest person they have ever met. i blurt out basically whatever comes to mind, in hopes that nobody will care ‘cause they’d be too fixated on my enthusiasm. similarly, i am rather impulsive. so we are completely opposite. but, somehow, we click.

we hang out two to three times every week. we stay on the phone for long periods of time. we send each other silly blurbs and inside jokes through text message. we hold hands. we cuddle. we spoon. kiss. we eat dinner at each other’s houses with each other’s family. we call each other adorable and cute. we’re there when one needs the other the most. we tell each other everything. we’re virtually best friends. how generic-couple are we?

the answer is not at all.

if we were a generic couple, we’d be fine right now. i’d be fine right now. sure, we’d have our ups and downs, but like every good Sarah Dessen book, we’d find a way to figure it out. but how can you figure something out if you don’t even put any effort to it? we don’t acknowledge the problem, let alone try to solve it. you must be thinking, “nothing’s wrong. this chick’s insane. we’re totally fine.” see, i used to think so, until now. it’s been building up for a year and i can’t stand it. i may be insane. i don’t know. but here goes:

the problem is that we are not dating.

because you said you don’t like me that way. no matter how many times we adventure or chill in each other’s houses. no matter how much you hate the phone and still insist on talking on it with me. no matter how hard you try to make me smile on the rare occasions when i’m down. no matter how many times you tell me how smooth my hand is and how it fits perfectly into yours. no matter how much you initiate each embrace, each kiss. no matter how much our parents think we’re getting married. no matter how much you stare at me lovingly. no matter how many times you’ve been there when i’ve needed a ride home, or am scared, or have had an asthma attack. no matter how much you share with me that you don’t share with anyone else. no matter how close we’ve become. you still say that you. don’t. like. me. that. way.

and i don’t get it.

because today, i heard you say you love me. clearly. when you thought i wouldn’t hear.and when i asked, you denied it.

the problem is, i don’t know where i stand.the problem is, i don’t get why you won’t just accept the fact that you mightactually like me.

When I was seventeen I saw you at a friend's birthday party. It was black and red themed for some reason, and you showed up in black skinny jeans and a red shirt with a red indian feather in your hair. You were twenty two. I saw you from a distance and thought you were the cutest thing I'd seen. I asked your friends if you were into guys, and to my delight I found out you were. I was sloppy drunk and really wanted to talk to you, I spoke to you in broken english sounding foolish, but there was still some sort of connection. My friend was drunk and throwing up so I had to take him home..... but I mustered up the cojones to ask for your number before we left. we talked via internet chat and went out. I will never forget that first date. It was the best first date ever. You were my night in shining armor. Right as I got downtown to meet you at the movies when I told my father I was going out to study with my best friend, my car bellows smoke overheating and you wait with me to see my car towed and take me home, we shared ourselves. and you thought I'd blow you off after that because I'm pretty and young.

We shared an intimate romantic secretive winter together which I'll never forget....going out to 'study' all the time. I fell in love with you. Even though from the first day we met I knew you were going to leave me. You were moving to Europe for grad school. I was still in highschool, you speak four languages, dress well, carry yourself right, and are exactly what I want and treat me so well, like nobody I've ever been with before. You love me for who I am. Not just because I'm physically attractive, and you appreciate me.

You left me in January and moved to Italy, I was completely fucked up after that. More than you'll ever know. I drank more than ever. I smoked more than ever. I was practically catatonic. and then I start to get over you, and then I hear you have a new Italian boyfriend. I'm crushed. Time goes on, still not over you. I meet another guy, he lives in portland. We had a long distance relationship and he cheated on me and hurt me worse than you ever were capable of. And it only made me love you more because you would never have dragged me across the country to fuck me up.

You come in and out of my life for christmas and spring vacations because your family still lives here. I know you have a new relationship so I try to respect that. You've moved on. I haven't. and It's the hardest thing to be next to you and not be with you. Not to hold your hand or kiss you at a stop light, but I can't help but wanting to spend all of my time with you....you're leaving in a few days. And I'm glad we finally were intimate with each other again. The sexual tension could be cut with a knife....then again we've never been able to get past the first 20 minutes of watching a movie together. But you feel bad because you still have that Italian boyfriend...But I really don't. You have no idea how much I care about you. And it may sound immature, but..........I saw you first, and I don't feel guilty at all.

You have always been ambitious and i love that about you. Your only 17 but you have already started up your own business and it is doing so well, i couldn't be more proud to call you my girlfriend. and you know that, i helped you set it up. i came up with the name , and i did all the design and advertising for it.

i understand owning your own business , especially when your so young is stressful and you have to work a lot, i try and make it easier for you by helping out as much as i can. i make dinner for you , do your washing and clean your house when you've been too busy .. the list goes on and on.

But one thing that upsets me , is that sometimes you work when you don't have too.. Your mum calls you a workaholic , and id agree. although i didn't think it was a bad thing. Until i started feeling less and less important. and realised that in the last 6 months , Ive been finding myself up the mountain, staring at the ocean alone, our little place we used to go every week at least once and walk the dogs.

Ive told you about this, we have even had fights over it. How your work always comes first and how i always have to wait till everything is done before i even get a "hey babe how are you'. But you always say sorry and tell me you don't mean too and your gonna start leaving work related issues behind when the doors close at 5 o'clock. i always believe you, cause i love you and i want to take your word for it.

But then things like tonight happen : i ask if you would like to have dinner with me and my parents at 7. you say yes although you have a few things to do before hand but you'll be there.. great, I'm excited.

its then 7 and your not here, i call you and you say your still working and you'll be another hour, but your so sorry and you'll make it up to me.

its now 8.53 and your still not here. Me and my parents have already eaten. i go to call you to ask where the hell you are. and my mum tells me to stop nagging you, your busy and you'll come when your ready.

Why is it OK for you to always let me down and put work before me . Why doesn't everyone else see how frustrating it is to have to fight for your own boyfriends attention .

i love you , but just once i want you to forget about work and dedicate one night to me. i don't think its too much to ask.

is it?

Please, pick me. i'm tired of waiting.

             

It’s like a door that’s too old, that never quite shuts right. And using that little bit of leeway, you somehow always manage to weasel your way back in into my life, into my heart… Only to leave me time and again, always in pieces.

Everybody else perceived me as aloof and strong, but they never knew how you were my one weakness, the love I could never seem to get over.

The first time you left back in college, I was broken. I gave everything I had to you, and even then it wasn’t enough. You shattered my dreams of a fairy tale romance, and with it, my very soul. A glass shard seemed permanently etched in my heart and everyday was an agony. Even breathing hurt so bad. When we passed each other in the hallway, you never once looked my way. It was as if I’d suddenly dropped out of existence from your world. You needn’t had to bother with avoiding me, because I did enough for both of us. Seeing you simply hurt too much. Nobody saw the tears I shed for you; nobody knew that I feel asleep to a damp pillow every night. I never let them.

Then we went off to different places, and I moved out of state. There were just too many memories of you around and I knew I had to get away in order to rebuild my life. I cut off all contact with my friends and people who knew you and erased everything in existence that reminded me of you. I slowly picked up the pieces of my strewn heart and carefully glued them back together. I had barely learnt to get used to the constant aching in my heart before you slipped back into my life.

You showed up at my doorstep, out of the blue. When I arrived back home one day to find you sitting there on the steps to my apartment, conflicting emotions ran through me. I wasn’t ready. For this, for you, nor to face the pain once more. I was about to turn and walk off, feigning ignorance, hoping that you’d be gone by the time I got back from a sudden urgent need for a dose of caffeine, but you looked up at that moment and met my eyes. Those clear, blue eyes of yours. Filled with apprehension, I forced myself to walk forward and acknowledged your presence with a slight nod. We stood there in awkward silence before you finally spoke, spilling apologies and confessions of love and how you did me wrong. Words that I’d longed to hear before, but only served to bring the pain afresh now.

Somehow we started talking again, and not long after got back together. I hesitated for a while, but still caved in to you in the end. Maybe things would be different this time round? We’ve both grown since then, surely things would be different. At least, that’s what I kept telling myself.

The second time you left me, I had just started my second year in college. My carefully restored life fell apart around me once more. I couldn’t think straight. I didn’t get why history was repeating. Weren’t we over all that? Where did my happily ever after go to? I started to lose hope.

You stayed away. I locked away my memories of you for a second time. Tight.

Into my third year in college, I got to know a really sweet guy. He was good to me, and I was comfortable with him. It was the closest thing to normal that I’ve felt since you left.
And then you came back.

I wavered. I shouldn’t have, I know. And I lost a great guy and friend. And so it continued… Every single time that my life was starting to have some semblance of normalcy, you would show up and smash everything to smithereens. You were like a windstorm leaving destruction in your wake everywhere you went, especially me. It took a few more times before I finally decided that I was too tired to care or love anymore, that maybe love was never for me. I can’t go on like this forever, throwing down my life for you and having to pick up the pieces each time you walk away. So I let you go. And placed a door wedge AND a chair against the damn door. My life will not be yours; You will not be allowed to wreck my life anymore.

Right now, I’m not happy, and I’m starting to think that maybe I never will be happy again. But at least I’m not sad all the time anymore. That counts for something, right? And maybe, just maybe, someday I’ll get over you. Or maybe I’ll never ever get over you, and that’s okay too. I’m learning to get over the thought of loving you.

   

          

I’ve just watched a relationship that I truly believed was so caring and resilient, crumble in front of my eyes. There was nothing I could do to change the way she felt, I couldn’t change the choice she made. I gave it all I could, but this time it wasn’t enough. It was just over, just like that. Yet knowing these blunt facts, I’m still haunted by the ‘what if’s?’ that expand my doubts. 

Learning to block out these dangerously over-whelming thoughts and replace them with the acceptance that I’m never getting back what I had, hasn’t exactly been the healthiest or easiest journey. Nor has it helped lessened how absolutely drained and heart broken I am after this.

Good people leave, it happens. I’m learning that It’s not to make us weak but to instead strengthen us. These people walk out on us to allow better people to take their place. To fill in all the gaps the previous person wasn’t able to fill.

I don’t know how long it’ll take or how many hit and misses I’ll experience before this better person makes herelf apparent, but I do know that when she does I’ll be happy that I made the choice to endure this pain they call ‘moving on’ rather than holding onto the fake hope you led me to believe that maybe one day we’ll pick up where we left off. 

Last August I had my first thoughts. 

Only now I know how right I was.

This was , too good to be true.

And I’m glad.

When you pick me up my favorite songs are always playing. You tell me not to speak, wanting to explain what is going on. You ask for me, but I just can't.


I've always cared for you. Always loved seeing you, hearing from you, fighting with you. At the same time, however, I've hated you. Despised you more than any person I know. You made me hurt in a way that I've never experienced, you embarrassed me, you left me. To this day I cry when I think about that night on the beach when you yelled at the ocean and left our relationship to the waves. I laid in bed during that summer, weeping for reasons I don't even know. Crying for what happened. I had never felt that before.


Getting your letter this summer nearly ripped me to shreds. It was an apology but I cried as if the break up had happened again. My letter back was full of pent up resentment, and I think back now that it may have been too much to be said in a letter. When you read it you wrecked your car. I made you as mad at you had made me. That was the point.


Eventually summer fades and we all come back to school. Seeing you the other day made me livid again. You didn't deserve to even be in the same place as me. You didn't deserve my glances, you knew that. We fought when around each other, people complained about the tension we left in the air. We didn't care. We've never cared.


This time last year we tried this the first time. You came to me, convinced me of the importance of our relationship and I unwillingly agreed. Soon after, everything fell apart. As you come back to me I tell you I can't let you in. I want to. I want to be the one to hold your hand, I want to walk under your arm and feel small, but I can't.


You told me of what you've done this year to keep me close as we walked around the gardens at night. That poem was beautiful, the flowers that I thought were from a friend, the night you came to see my play--all unnoticed. You have always been there and I had no idea. Hearing you say that you want me and only me feels like a dream. I had no idea that I had the ability to care anymore, but I still can't let go. There is something holding me back. Whether or not this will happen again, I can't know. Jumping in head first brought me more pain that I ever thought imaginable. I'm here to say that I am willing to eventually walk up to the shore and ease into that sea where we left us.


Right now, however, I'm not even close to the water.

               

It doesn't feel weird to wake up without you anymore. Sometimes I feel terrible, sometimes fantastic, but it doesn't depend on you anymore. I can take as much time as I want in the morning - I can choose to get dressed as fast or slow as I want to and I can run out the door without having to pull you with me. My glass of water is mine only and is not emptied by somebody else.

But as you can see, I think about you.

  

But still… not.

I think about the person you were when I still had the energy to love you and you still hadn't crushed us. You were so damn egoistic when you treated me like shit. You never understood that we were bound together in the heart and that I was just as hurt as you when you threw me around like garbage. The concrete tore up both our bodies. Not just mine.

I don't think about who you are today. I don't miss the one you probably are now. I don't miss who you wanted to be or become.

Sweet you is missing. Gorgeous you. Fairy you. Annoying you. Restless you. Easily embarrassed you. Cuddly you. Morning moody you. Giggling you. Loving you. Real you! Everything you were, with all the negative and annoying behavior you brought with you.

On the inside, you never were something negative. I don't know whom you gave the right to change your personality, but it never really fit with the person I loved so sincerely. You changed shape, in some way. Became somebody else from time to time. Someone I didn't love at all.

Hell, I was so sick of you. And of me.

Maybe mostly of me. I disliked us so much in the end. Everything was so hard.

Only a few things were beautiful. Most things were just so damn ugly. And me! Angry, mad, cranky, sad, hurt, sarcastic, mean. I was everything that I'm not. And full of despair. So terribly full of despair, like I'd never been before.

For four years, my home was in your arms.

I love my life. Yes, I actually do. Despite everything. And can you believe it - I love my life even though you're not here with me!

I confess that I occasionally still feel like I'm dying when I realize that we're no longer… you know… Us. I can never deny that you were my other half. Neither can I deny that you're missing.

I nevertheless think that I now finally, finally, finally have reached the point where I want to leave you behind. I want to move on. I want to go on with my life. I want to look out ahead without seeing you everywhere, all the time.

It's going to take some time before I finally will, but I've taken a step in the right direction.

I want to move on now. And that's what's important.

But damn.

Damn, I loved you so much.

Damn, I always will.

And damn…

The pain is never going to go away.

                                                  

I wasn't sure if I should actually hit the 'send' button but as you can see, I swallowed my pride and did it... Seeing you that Monday evening felt so great and since then I keep wondering how you felt after seeing me...I'm very aware that I may regret this, but I am also aware that if I don't be honest and true to myself, I may always be wondering... So instead of wondering I'll just ask. And as blunt and as honest as it may be, I know that's the one thing we're both good at; being straight up and honest with each other.


It's been almost a year without you but when I saw you the other day, I still felt that connection going strong... At least on my end it was... I feel that I've grown so much this past year and it feels so great to be aware of myself as an individual. I also think you have grown as well (whether or not you believe that). I think that since we've gone our separate ways, and as hard as its been for the both of us, we've been able to have a good and respectful communication with each other... I think we both know and understand why we broke up and we both know and understand each others downfalls. Knowing these downfalls has helped me grow as a person (I hope it has done the same for you). You've never been good at believing in yourself and you always know I'm the first person routing for you even when you don't understand why...

So here's whats been on my mind... I keep having this fantasy about you and me. I always wonder if you're missing me or wishing we could work things out... not go full force into something, but take baby steps to see if this time apart, this time we've had to grow as individuals has changed anything... I know you tell yourself that you need this time alone and you're not sure if I was or ever will be 'the one' because as you say 'when you know you know'....and I'm not sure what the answer to that is either, but I do know that there is this little voice in my head that wonders what it would be like the second time around. And maybe that time is not today or even anytime soon for you, but deep down do you ever wonder if it could work?

On Monday I wanted nothing more than to have you in my bed and a part of me can't get that idea out of my mind...


I know that idea made you feel uneasy because you don't want to hurt me, and I appreciate that more than you know.


Like I've said before, honesty is our thing and I would never want to fight for someone who doesn't want me. But I will do what I can to trust my feelings, especially when they still feel this strong after so much time apart..

I don’t know why.

Why I was so foolish to have fallen for the fairytale.

I have foolishly fallen in love with a girl who cannot love me the way I deserve to be loved.

But what I deserve is so grand, I wonder if any girl will ever be able to pull it off.

Not without great confidence… and passion, that’s for sure.

Why aren’t you that girl? You told me you could be.

You held that confidence once. But where was the passion?

Where was that passion? Was it ever there? Does it even matter to you?

I don’t know why.

Why I believed you.

That you were “in it to win it”.

But you pictured your future with me. Didn’t you?

Was it as beautiful as I imagined it could be?

I want you to fight for us. I want you to come running with grand gestures. I want you to have passion and love and a determined commitment to the concept of “us” – as best friends, as lovers, as partners, as a whole new entity that moves together.

I want you to kiss me from the bottom of your heart and tell me that you will never leave me. That you will always fight for us. Because you believe in us. That we have something special that transcends any challenge that comes our way. I want you to be my fantasy.

I want you to be the girl that love me 4rm d heart. I want you to be the girl that I can trust to hold my hand, my heart, and my soul. The girl I want to raise children with. I want to let our egos go and just fall into each other’s arms. I want to feel like you never want to let me go.

I want more than what you are willing to give.

I don’t know why.

I'm lost nowhere,

in the memory lane,

Where i miss u,

I feel u & i die for u, 

almost everyday.. ♥

Even sometyms,

i impeach u, 

for loving me dis way,

I hav spend countless nights,

waiting at midway.. ♥

I still dream of "US" & 

i wish u to come out of my dream &

walk along with me,

Its becoming ruthless, 

when i feel u in me,day by day.. ♥

My world devasted,

d moment u left,

Love could nt apart,

here i confess.. ♥

Once i was loved by u..

Thats indeed a bless..

I'd nvr felt dat strong..

I acquit u for loving me more..

I set u free,

to meet u again,

somewhere down the road..

I had been bugging my girlfriend to write love letters for a few months (we've been long distance for 17 months now) and so for Christmas She gave me a moleskin notebook with a letter from her written on the first few pages. "It's so we can write back and forth to each other like a love journal" she said. Best gift. Anyways, it was my turn to write something to her. The problem was when I tried to write, everything was sad, I miss you, I'm miserable without you, I hate that we have stupid fights etc. I didn't want to immortalize the bad times and wanted to bring the joy back into our love instead of the sadness from being apart. So I wrote this poem/story about the first month of our relationship, when we were physically together, so that we could bring a little bit of that magic back.

For YOU

This is the story of two young people at the beginning of love, one that has been told thousands of times before, but each telling is as special and novel as the very first.

We begin with…

Boy meets girl.

Boy chases girl.

Girl just wants to be friends.

Boy doesn't give up.

One year later, boy asks girl to the dance.

Girl says yes.

They dance, they drink, they laugh, they sparkle.

That night, they lay in each other's arms, wrapped up in the newness of it all.

He makes her hash browns and she makes him laugh. 

Days become good and bright. Nights are spend in quiet whispers and heated discovery. 

They fall together. 

Reveling in the lightness, they flourish.

He is kind and passionate and understanding and confident and all the things she has wished for.

She is full of ideas, captivating and radiant. 

There is no fear, no doubt. 

They were dancing, each completely in tune with the rhythm of the other.

Perfectly imperfect. 

Happiness was ours. Let's go back there, to simplicity, to tangled limbs and locked lips, to playfulness and bliss, to incandescent love. Meet me at the beginning.

With all the love I possess

~UR''Z

You never just had a part of me, you had all of me. I wrapped myself up in your being and it wasn’t surprising when you did the same. Our lives became entwined with a mix of our bests, and our worsts. I’m not scared nor do I feel robbed. I guess I feel a little confused on how something that consuming couldn’t make it to the end.

Here I am now thinking about what lies ahead. To have my string back from our entwined rope, it just doesn’t seem right. I feel vulnerable and not as strong. What I keep forgetting is that it’s not impossible to entwine myself with another. So many people don’t want to change, they want to move on and still be the same person. I’ve felt that way for such a long time. Now I feel like the only answer is leaving that girl behind. 

If I was willing to give that much of myself to you at one time I shouldn’t be selfish enough to ask for it back. And I shouldn’t be shallow enough to expect another guy to love your leftovers. I have to create something for him to love that isn’t marked by yours. I don’t need to hate you in the process either. This is all ok to feel but there’s a day when that strand of rope is knotted and then the new piece forms. Different lengths and different strengths, it’s all the same rope. I just need to decide which piece I feel the safest holding when I fall.

                     

I don't really care if anyone sees this or not, it's not really the kind of thing to get published. I just had to say it-

I'm in love. That's it, just love! And she doesn't know, and she can't know. The consequences our relationship would create I'm savy enough to understand, and God knows what she thinks of me day today since I'm so much younger and dumber, but I don't care. I'm past caring. Every little ambiguous feeling of doubt that hung around, that still has reason to hang around, is slowly being dismantled because I realize the truth. Ego rem intellecto. If I could scream it on rooftops I would. And I want her to know because if she points out one more guy or girl that I should date I think it might come out anyway.

I want you. It is you! and I think it's only ever going to be you. Not in that 'I'll never find anyone else' sort of way, but I'll never find anyone as interesting, intelligent, witty, funny and perfect for me again. Sometimes I just stare in wonder, and you see it, and look at me like I'm crazy. But you don't understand how crazy I am for you. No one knows. No one needs to know. I'm up and I'm down and in and out and I've realized I don't want it any other way. It's you. It's always been you. I loved you before I knew you. Yes, it happens, even if we're not together.

This isn't a good story, you're just that person I talk to and can't touch. The one who I'll either marry or think about when I'm marrying someone else. I don't necessarily know what true love is, but you've got the rhythm that matches mine. Turn around one day and let me know if you see me too.

You once told me that if there was ever something I needed to say to you, to scream at you, to share with you, that I could and I should share with you so that I can heal.

You know that I struggle to verbalize only the very closest words to my heart out loud. So, this is what I have wanted to say to you.

"I am both happy and sad and I am trying to figure out how that could be." 

Will you always invade my thoughts, even though I am inexplicably happy with someone else?

Why do you feel with your mind first, and your heart second?

Why did you tell me you loved me six months after we broke up?

Why do you only think of my needs when it is convenient for you? (still)

Why did you not hold me, call me, talk to me when I needed you most? It was my darkest year and I needed you.

Why did you hug me, hold my hand, stare deep into my eyes but not kiss me? As now, people delegitimize my pain.

You were my first love and the first person to make me understand the phrase: we are all born into brokeness. You broke me. You tamed my spirit. You scheduled me into your planner instead of your heart. You showed me what true love is not. 

I have realized that being an active person who is forced to remain inactive is often more painful than the pain the injury itself causes. You caused me to be inactive. I wonder if you will ever comprehend how many nights I cried myself to sleep because of your (in)actions, your lack of words. You know that I do not believe that people have one sole soul mate. Yes, we could of been but we are not. Yes, I will always love you in some way or another. 

You once told me this: Life can only take one path in the end, history is an unchangeable story in reality, and God, being outside of any conceivable box we can design for Her (Him), knows what that story is from end to end (whether 'tis a circle or a line). But our choices and actions matter. I think He is helping us with the writing and penmanship but we write our own lives. You will forever be inked into my story. 

Re-read your words, internalize them. Smell, breath, touch, feel, see the beauty of this life and your words and turn your knowledge into action.

Please, please re-think how it makes me feel when you say, "I believe I can love you better than anyone else" when you broke your promises (your words) to me on countless occasions. 

Though it pains me to admit it, I miss you. 

For the last time - "Your Monkey" 

I am free.

 

Itz cold out here n I am walking really fast to reach home as soon as possible…suddenly I feel someone’z following me….ohh God plz help me…there is no one on this road….I am all alone…I turned back and saw that she is running towardz me….I also started to run to save myself and all of a sudden someone grabz me from back and I shouted loudly…..”HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLPPP” and I realize I am in bed….fuck….it waz a nightmare….ohh gosh…I took a deep sigh…then I searched my bed for my phone…I saw the time and it waz 3:45 a.m.

I put down the phone and waz trying to sleep again….suddenly my phone vibrated…i waz stunned to see that who would call me at this time….i saw with half eye opened….it waz “HER”….i waz shocked….why is she calling and that too at this time….?? I got worried if she is fine or not….I picked up her call and she said no hi….no hello….she just rushed in a very horrified tone….”DEAR YOU ARE FINE NA….?? WHERE ARE YOU…?? I GOT A NIGHTMARE THAT YOU ARE IN TROUBLE….!!!”

A sudden flash went through my heart and for a moment I waz just speechless….tearz rolled down my eyez when she said those 3 linez…all that I asked her waz to repeat those 3 linez again and again and again till I feel satisfied with this feeling of attachment with her….wow….this is true love really….I find myself so damn lucky to have her…I don’t know if this waz a mere co-incidence or God gave us a sign that we both are connected or anything else….but whatever it is….I just know one thing that itz true….itz pure….and itz forever….yes may be 

itz “LOVE”….!!! ♥

                              

                   

Do you believe in soul mates?

I didn't. I used to think that I would never find the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with in this little town.

I thought I would have to leave and start over new somewhere else to start my life...I thought I would have to leave if I was to ever find my true love.

But then she came along... and it's like everything I ever knew changed. Everything I ever wished for, hoped for, wanted to do... changed.

Because of her. Because i knew that no matter what, she was the girl I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

We took a little while to get to know each other, even though we both practically felt like we knew each other inside out from the first moment we said "Hello."

What we found out though, was that we really were perfect for each other. Were she was speechless, I was there to say what she couldn't. Were I was sad and had shut down, she was there to make everything better again and to put that smile she loves to see on my face..

We had weird moments that I could only laugh about with her..our own little private jokes that we will never forget about. Everything was perfect...she was even into the same taste of weird music as i was into. Because of all this and more, I knew he would be the one.

But lately, it all seems to be changing.. I keep thinking to myself that she still loves me, and she reminds me of this as much as she can..but where I used to see her every day, I only see her about three times a week, maybe less.

Where I used to talk to her every day, now we go days without even a phone call. She got a new job. It keeps her busy, so it's not like she's out there doing things that could potentially break my heart...but all this separation is killing me. I'm proud of her for trying to make her life better, and I wouldn't tell her to give any of it up. But i do wish I would see her more...I wish there would be more hours in the day, more days in the week, just so I could spend a little bit more time with her...

This separation will be good for us in the long run. It will be a test of our love... So far we have had a wonderful 8 months together, and she has become my lover, my partner, my best friend..

I know that we will get through whatever obstacles we come across because I love her and she loves me..

So do you believe in soul mates? Because I do

You know when love is just beautiful? When you find someone who’s creases in the palms of their hands perfectly match up with yours? When that person’s smile is like the sunrise to your happiness? Just the mere thought of them creates a tidal wave of butterflies in the pit of your stomach, but in a good way. When you awake every morning to either their scent right beside you, or a sweet text message telling you everything you want to hear. When that person makes you feel like the only human being existing in their world and you just feel an endless supply of love, like nothing, not a single thing can bring you down? 

I can’t tell you about that kind of love. I can, however, tell you all about the dark side of love. The kind of love that feels like the most poisonous, addictive drug that courses through your insides and rots away your very core. The kind of love that leaves you both numb, a hopeless void, and at the same time as contradictory as it sounds, in excruciating pain. When you find yourself sitting in your dark bedroom at 3am, just staring in a type of catatonia caused by racing thoughts of how it all ended up here? When you become all too familiar with the taste of your own tears and you just bleed your eyes dry until you can’t cry anymore. The type of love that has you shaking in bed, anxious if they’re going to walk away this time (again) for the millionth time. Wondering, in a constant battle with yourself, if this is your entire fault, if this is what you deserve? It’s like heaven and hell in comparison. That’s how I imagine it anyway. Some people are just blessed with love, with a perfect person, with flowers growing from their fingertips, and warmth dancing around them. But some people are cursed with love, with swollen eyes, and heavy hearts, and thorns breaking through their skin. 

I have never been addicted to any substance, but I imagine that it’s exactly the same really. You meet this person who you think is so right for you, so intriguing and you’re excited to try this person. That’s your first hit, your first snort, your first injection, your first sip; the first time the drug flows through your bloodstream and it’s euphoria, it’s perfect. It’s warm and it’s magnificent and it makes you feel things you’ve never in a million years felt. You want more, no, you need more. You need them; their body, their smell, their voice, their sound, their presence, their feeling, their promises, you need it all until you become greedy. You become addicted to this person, essentially your own personal drug, designed just for you, baby. And that’s when the darkness comes. This drug isn’t all you thought it was but you’re desperate. It’s not good for you anymore. It’s arguments and miscommunications and not understanding what you want. It’s fights and broken glass and bruises and lust. It’s addiction. It’s adrenaline and screams and sobbing into your pillow. It’s begging and pleading and promising you’ll do anything for more, just more of him, anything as long as you don’t take away the drug. You can’t live without it and by now the scariest and saddest thing of all has happened: you’ve lost yourself. The single, most important thing- your own self- has been lost in this addiction. You’ve lost friends and family and people look at you with pity, they start to notice the sunken eyes and your shrinking frame. They notice that you’ve become less of a person and more of a ghost, that they’re speaking to you but you aren’t hearing them. The world spins and whirls around you in colors and fast flashes and it makes you so f*cking nauseated, so you choose to just stay in your bed, the only safety you know anymore. Eventually, you start your rehab. You cut them out, you detox their existence, they disappear and so do your cravings. But it doesn’t last for long does it? Because they always, always come back. A text message from her, a “hey how have you been?”, a silent phone call, an “I miss you”, a night of sex…whatever it is and she’s back in your system and god, you forgot how good this drug was, and before you know it you’re sucked right back into this disgusting, vicious cycle until you’re left realizing that this drug that you need so badly, it doesn’t need you back- it just uses you, it just plays with your head to get what it wants. And you’re right back in the darkness, sitting in your bedroom, dragging on a cigarette with ashes all over your face and palms, sobbing, hating yourself for letting that drug back in, for believing that this drug would finally love you the way you loved it, for hoping that just this once you’d have your heaven.

But let me tell you something. You will never find your heaven if you stay in your hell and those thorns will never turn to flowers if you stay out of the sunlight. 

I’ve spent the last year and a half, chasing after an ex girlfriend who left me and has since lead me to hell and back. She’s used me and blamed me, she’s never thought she was wrong, she’s bounced between me and other guys and never once apologized. She’s made me feel like I was nothing, worthless, and never good enough. She’s hardened my heart and I’ve cried a sea’s worth of tears over her- and that’s not even the half of it. I’ve walked away countless times just to let her back in when she comes back around, because this gal is my drug. Can I even call it love? Probably not. But I can’t let go. I wish I were strong enough, but I’m drained, I’m exhausted, I’ve overdosed and sometimes I feel like I’m already dead.

There’s a quote that goes: “I would have followed her to hell if she asked me to, and with all she put me through, maybe I did.”